I have this habit that I'm tiring of. I've been doing it for a while now, it served it's purpose in the beginning, but lately it's started to feel like a waste of time. I've muscled my way through giving birth to 3 children without any pain killers, through a major clinical depression, and two divorces. Surely I can alter this! When I walk in the door after work, I immediately grab the quickest (but healthiest) food I can find, flip open my laptop, and fade away. It could be two hours, it could be five. What do I do? Oh, check Facebook, write an email, maybe stumble for a bit, read some blogs, tweet... Get the idea? Sometimes I'll read a little news to throw in some substance, but for the most part I don't know where the time flies, and before I know it's time for bed It simply doesn't feel good anymore. I can waste an entire weekend in the same manner, and I have.
When I first moved to my apartment from a house, to the city from a small town, I was catching my breath. The past ten years were a whirlwind of stress that even I didn't see the extent of until I was out of it. Being able to just sit in the quiet with my new laptop was the best money I ever spent on therapy! Much of my healing took place while reading Zen blogs, connecting with long lost friends, and developing an online diary. It served it's purpose, and did me well. Peace and calm came back into my life. Headaches were gone, sleep restored, but I'm ready for a little structure now. Just a little. Too many rules and goals can upset the flow.
I've learned that I need tunnel vision to accomplish some things. Driving home I often tell myself that when I walk in the door, I will immediately change into workout gear and, well, workout. If I let my mind go to the relaxation of the cyber world all is lost. Today is a beautiful day outside and I worked all day inside. I told myself I would simply take a walk when I got home. I'm not an inactive individual by any means, but I do recognize that I need to move more. I had to keep pulling my thoughts towards that idea, and away from other things. I had to develop tunnel vision. Any deviation could sway me elsewhere and I knew it, especially after a day's work.
I kept my focus, moved quickly, got into gear, and hit the pavement. I grabbed my camera on the way out. I know I shouldn't beat myself up over this, as many spend their evenings in front of tv - something I've never gotten in the habit of.
I have learned that more often than not we don't accomplish what we want because we set our goals too high. I told myself I only had to be out for fifteen minutes, and that thought got me out the door. I headed to the nearby pond and fifteen minutes quickly turned into sixty, and twenty pictures later I was home with my guacamole dip, pita chips, and my laptop.
Grabbing the camera was a good idea as it tuned me in to my surroundings. I saw a turtle sunbathing atop a rock, geese, chickadees, and an unusual number of steps leading to I don't know where (I'll explore another day). I saw vibrant orange fungus on a stump, blue ribbons around trees, and only one other person. I believe I know where everyone else was.
It felt good, and hopefully a new routine has been started. All I need to work on is the tunnel vision and not setting my goals too high.